Sunday, 22 August 2010

When I finish writing this


I don't know what I'll do now. To start with it was just that I felt bored and frustrated. I started thinking about drinking and smoking: The weight in the head, the drag on the lungs; sensations that tell you you're still alive, or that you've still got a body. I knew I'd get a kick out of being irresponsible. It's exciting to get really bladdered when you know you have to get up early the next morning, until the next morning comes. But it's best to have friends if you're going to get drunk: go to a cocktail bar, dress up smart, a bit foxy, and share a massive goldfish bowl of ice and blue spirits sucked through long, multi-coloured straws. Smoking can be more soulful, solitary, wandering around looking at the cracks between slabs in the patio, sitting on a bench. It could be really shocking for the neighbours. You could do it with 'leper' hanging from a home-made sign around your neck. I thought about it.


Why didn't I do it? Motivation. Rebellion takes energy. But what about non-doing?


Neglect. When you're an adult it's not exactly ok to neglect yourself but to neglect your child is a sin punishable by multi-hells. As a Victorian it was par for the course and nobody minded - but today if the word spreads far enough forms get filled in and eventually your child is taken away.


If I didn't change her nappy/ if I didn't wipe her face/ if I didn't feed her digestible food/ if I didn't cuddle her and dress her in clean clothes/ If I didn't sing to her or undress her for the bath/ if I didn't read her stories/ If I didn't give her a kiss and stopped blowing raspberries behind her ear/


If I just sat and watched her struggle, watched her crying, watched her fall


I met mothers who'd had their children taken away. They had photos of them on their phone but they didn't know where they were living.


While I've been writing this the pears have burnt dry and there's been cying in the nursery. It's Sunday. My husband turns off the pears, brings me a cup of tea and says 'I'll see to her'.


I wonder what happens on Monday.




Tuesday, 10 August 2010

Headless

The thing about putting all your eggs in one basket, as anyone who has ever made an omelette knows, is that eggs break easily. You could break your eggs by putting them in, by taking them out, by a bump in the road during transportation.

Eggs are not like coconuts or pebbles or even picnic eggs, with meat already mashed. The thing about your average egg is that by looking at it from outside you have no idea of the state of its insides. Perhaps it is raw and unformed, or hard-boiled, dense and opaque. Perhaps it has been somewhere between the two for some time and is therefore likely to cause your insides to bi-directionally spill for a very uncomfortable number of days, even weeks, should you eat it.

Rotten eggs are not to be treasured unless for some de-facing use on those in the stocks or in Parliament. But then, eggs are so enigmatic, evasive and edgy that only by breaking them can you be sure they were any good in the first place.

Eggs suck.

Then there's the basket of course. What kind of basket do you have? Mine was made at a whicker class at junior school and is lined with red tartan-patterned cotton. Not thick, impact-absorbent material, though the hem around the edges is neatly sewn (the teacher did it). That won't have any bearing though when I trip over the pavement and the eggs collide mid-air (I see it all in slow motion) to morph spectacularly into an uncooked omelette that splashes and dribbles onto the neatly-sewn tartan, my shoes, and of course, my face.

But say, for example, you decided to put all your eggs in lots of different baskets? Well, wouldn't that make you cowardly, uncommitted? Isn't there something unheroic and manipulative about buying into multiple receptacles? And everyone else envies you because of your apparent security while they are, yes... tip-toeing around on (previously broken) egg shells, praying not to slip.

Over the last few years I've given up almost every vestige of personal 'security'. For years I had some kind of career, a degree of earning power, a sense of purpose and individuality and often I enjoyed rushing around like the proverbial chicken. If I drop the basket now or it's taken from my hands there won't be other baskets to search. I will have nothing but fresh air in my hands.

Who knows what may hatch.

Is there really any other way to live?

Wednesday, 7 April 2010

walking out to sea



My sister reminded me recently that when we were kids on holiday on the Isle of Wight I told her quite emphatically: I am walking out to sea. I had all my clothes on, but into the sea I did walk. I kept on walking until I was face down in the water with only my bobbled pigtails afloat. My sister can still see the pigtails apparently (I used to be blonde, not sure about the clothes). She pulled me out.

My daughter
Wears a sleep suit covered with strawberries
Doesn’t understand swearing (yet)
Wraps her fingers around my finger when she’s feeding
Sticks her tongue out between her gums when she laughs
Is fascinated by the bouncing wooden horse
Has just noticed the butterfly on the foot of the fairy
Tries to fit her whole fist inside her mouth
Flaps her arms and kicks her legs in water
Watches shadows
Is pacified but buffeted by the hairdryer
Giggles at her dad’s impression of a naked, squawking Emu
Has at least three different cries
Loses socks every two minutes
Is forced to jig in my arms to All Shook Up

Before she was born I could only imagine my life as it was with something added on, not my life shifting from the very roots. I didn’t know that in the fullest sense I wouldn’t recognise myself any more.

Someone has dyed my water with wine and it’s a dark cloud through my blood. Things could be wonderful but there’s still this overwhelming emotional precariousness: a shift in key, something knocking everything off-balance. Around me hangs an opaque veil, an impenetrable fog. I have gloves on my fingers and can no longer feel the touch of empirical objects. I’m a shadow. My heart is a deep, charcoal-smudge bruise. I’m heavy with haunting myself – a ghost with too much substance.

Knock knock
Who’s there?

I spend an hour with other women out in the real world who seem to be talking about shopping and clothes and work and holidays and who isn’t getting on with who. It’s a treat, to have an hour away from home and baby and chores but I realise… what a relief… I want and need to go home to my daughter.

Me
Me who?

Motherhood and theatre-making are both a little like walking out to sea. It’s good to get a gulp of fresh air but sometimes after being rescued you can’t help but dive right back in. There’s something compelling about the weight of the water.

Monday, 22 March 2010

On the Road to Disappearance

Once upon a time…

For the last few years I’ve been envious of the beginnings of theatre companies like Forced Entertainment. It seems so romantic from the outside: finish university in the mid 80s, head a few hundred miles north with your mates where it’s grittier and where your middle class parents aren’t around to nag you about getting a proper job. Then you ‘just get on with being poor’ like everyone else, whilst as incognito interlopers, you pick up litter, road names and traffic cones in the street and piece together a new kind of performance from them. With all night parties, cheap booze and drugs (one supposes) to aid discussions on what theatre is or could be, it really doesn’t matter whether the rest of the world agrees with you. How very rock n’ roll. How refreshingly un-theatre. If the Arts Council somewhere down the line threatens to withdraw funding you can dismiss their criticisms of poor quality as judging you within a framework you never subscribed to: Brilliant.

Alternatively…

It’s the late noughties, you come to, er… Cheltenham… on your own… and you’re on the brink of turning 40. You quickly realise you’re living in a town where Su Pollard Does Grease is the staple theatrical diet and where experimental work is ignored, dismissed or – if you’re lucky – labelled as poor quality.

Lord.

What do you do?

a. Give up all thoughts of your creative practice
b. Search between the cracks to find potential kindred spirits (who were en route to a big city but took a wrong turn off the M5 and somehow forgot their way back)
c. Compromise the work you want to make to suit the audience that already exists (think twists on Shakespeare, Noel Coward and Panto)
d. Consider moving your focus to Bristol where a host of funky young things are creating their own brand of contemporary performance; (bearing in mind the man from the Arts Council says: ‘If you move to Bristol nothing will change here.’)


And if you stay nothing will change here either?

Do you make work for your audience or do you make work for yourself? Hopefully both. Theatre that doesn’t make some kind of connection clearly is pointless, but to create work as an act of philanthropy is to creatively castrate oneself. If you want to make people happy become a children’s entertainer or go and work on the sweet counter in your local post office and spend the day talking to lonely old ladies.

In addition it takes a degree of arrogance and oversimplification to think you know exactly what your audience wants and needs. Playing it safe could be seen as a form of underestimation, a form of deadly theatre, stagnation. But bums are hard to get on seats… some bums anyway.

After a show I did at the Everyman last year an old lady filled in a complaint form saying that there should be a warning if something was going to be ‘weird’.

Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Please prepare yourselves for the weirdness of this show. If you don't close your eyes at certain points you might get really weirded-out.

The answer is perhaps to be subtly subversive: Get married, have a baby, maybe start going to WI meetings or even wearing tweed. Do little experiments, get to know the place. Don’t rest easy with your assumptions; try and find out what’s happening beneath, or at least on the surface.

Seriously though, take a walk through Whaddon...

I like walking through Whaddon. With its red brick (ex) council houses, broken fences and parked shopping trolleys in driveways it could almost be Leeds (but not the street I nearly moved to in Armley where they still hang washing across the road and gangs set fire to dustbins on street corners). I push the pram through Whaddon on the way to the park and the cast-offs of people’s lives, the waste from scenes already played out lie about the streets and pavements:

A blackcurrant fruit shoot bottle left on a wall
One strand of foliage from a bunch of flowers, leaves still green, lying in the middle of the road
An empty packet of Richmond cigarettes
A corner of a big white piece of paper, wrinkle-less and blank, smoothed on to a manhole cover
A split plastic bottle
A can of Old Jamaica Ginger Beer up-ended on a railing
An empty packet of Lambert and Butler
A green plastic bottle top
A polystyrene fast-food container, open, face-down
An empty packet of Malboro
A cardboard box with Scottish Swedes printed in big blue lettering
Another flattened cardboard box with a label reading Complete Solution
White napkins and chop sticks (damp) wrapped in a clear plastic tube, lying in the gutter
A piece of white A4 plain paper, folded with to daddy luf james written in pencil on it
Shattered glass
A blue scratch card, scratched

My next piece of theatre (if I make one) will look at appearing and disappearing. Litter is only the beginning. I’ll be collecting epitaphs, imprints, plaques and shadows, things people display in their windows or leave in their gardens; the way people grow to invade your every waking moment or slowly fade from view…

There are only three things I remember about my paternal grandfather:

1. He once wrote down on a piece of cardboard:
11 was a racehorse 22 was 12 1111 race and 22112.
He passed it to me and said ‘Can you make sense of that then?’

2. He taught me about filling out cheques and that to write ‘thirty pounds ONLY’ didn’t mean you were being tight or insinuating the recipient wanted more than thirty pounds and would add in extra pence as soon as your back was turned (but the banks might).

3. He used to stand with his backside to the fire and jingle the change in his pockets, particularly if he was feeling impatient and wanted to go home.

Apart from these things he’s pretty much disappeared, which might not be surprising as he’s been dead for twenty-seven years. Looking at it this way, there must be thousands of missing or deceased people who are more present to their loved ones than some of us are to people who see us every day.

It’s a thought.



Thursday, 18 March 2010

planting your feet firmly

Planting your feet firmly was a family joke arising from a holiday when my parents and maternal grandmother (still with us, 98 this month) found themselves walking on a narrow path on the edge of a cliff in fading light. Grandma repeatedly gave this advice in the gathering darkness: 'take small steps and plant your feet firmly'.


Planting your feet firmly is what you do when you can't see where you are or where you're going.


I grew up in suburbia. Then I spent twenty years in cities being a teacher, a theatre-maker, for most intents and purposes a solo unit: Glasgow, Amsterdam, Lisbon, Madrid, Newcastle, Bristol, Leeds… Then in 2008 I fell back in love with my teenage sweetheart, moved back into (a different) suburbia, got married and had a baby.
Now who knows where I am.


I'm new to blogging and I'm using it to focus on some questions:

What is it like living in suburbia in the early twenty-first century?
How does an artist/theatre-maker make meaningful work in a conservative environment?
Is there a place for artistic experimentation in suburbia?
In this culture how does a solo artist hold her nerve, stay true to her ambitions?
How does she move forward?
Is it worth it?
What does it mean to be a wife, mother and an artist?
Which of these does suburban culture value the most?
How will these questions change?



Thought for the day:

As an artist...

A thought on quality:

Those who define quality in theatre as ‘I know it when I see it’ really haven’t experienced a performance which has surprised them for a very long time.

This is a tragedy.


As a mother...

As we perambulate along the pavement, there is a tendency to think we are preoccupied with nappy changing and feeding. We are part of the landscape, slow traffic, awkward. But when we get home we work with ingenious apprentices crafting whole new worlds out of cardboard boxes and string.

planting your feet firmly